If you want politically correct driving tips, you’d be much better off checking out my top 5 defensive driving tips. The driving tips presented here is nothing anyone has learned in driver’s ed. Just posting this list might make some people angry with me. However, this list of the top 55 most horrendous driving tips of all time is a way of showing how our driving society collectively behaves on the road. Wouldn’t you agree?
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#55 – Stop Does NOT Mean Stop
Most drivers on the roadways today do not actually know the real meaning of the stop sign. While the word “STOP” is easily taken for a word, it’s actually an acronym that stands for Slow To Observe Police. I like to use an easy to remember phrase, “no cop, no stop!”
#54 – The Speed Limit Is The MINIMUM Speed
During normal traffic flow, all motorists should travel at least 5mph over the speed limit through residential zones, school zones, and construction zones. On rural roadways and expressways, you should travel no less than 10mph over the speed limit. On city streets, it depends how many cops are around. Use your own judgement.
#53 – Always Watch For The “Brake Check” Car
Some vehicles on the road have fancy paint jobs and have flashy lights and cool-sounding sirens on them. Some motorists call these “police cars” but they are actually “brake check cars.” Anytime you see one, whether you are speeding or not, you should instinctively slam on your brakes for approximately 1/2 to 1 full second. If you do not brake properly, you could get fined.
#52 – Green Means Go, Red Means Stop, Yellow Means Go REALLY Fast
It appears traffic signals have become too complicated for many drivers in the United States. While most drivers understand that green means go and red means stop, there is some confusion about the yellow (excuse me… AMBER) light. Instead of slamming on the brakes, you’re actually supposed to put the accelerator to the floor. The yellow (amber… whatever) light is a warning that you are about to waste another 2 to 3 minutes of your life sitting in traffic. Get going!
#51 – Improve Your Fuel Mileage In The Rain
Somehow, a rumor got started on the internet that you should slow down when driving in the rain. Terrible advice. If you speed up, there is a higher chance that you will begin to hydroplane. This is when your vehicle skims over the top of the water on the roadway, essentially turning your vehicle into a boat. You know what kind of gas mileage you can get doing that? Doing this downhill seems to work best.
#50 – Always Drive Behind A Semi On The Expressway
Did you know tires on semi’s frequently blow up while going down the roadway? Did you also know that a flying piece of rubber could fly right through your windshield, causing you to go out of control and end up in a horrific crash? Did you also know many truck driving companies are worth 10’s of millions with an abundance of money hungry sue happy lawyers ready to take your case? Hellllooooo payday! The more you drive behind a semi, the higher your chances of getting this lucky.
#49 – Yell, Honk, And Scream At Everyone
Listen, people need to be taught a lesson sometimes. How are we going to help make people better drivers if we don’t let them know how unbelievably dumb and reckless they are? Start doing pull-ups with your middle finger, because we’re depending on you. As far as crazy people shooting you in response to your “road rage”, it’s a risk you’ll just have to take for the greater good.
#48 – Always Drive During A Blizzard
Have you ever driven to the store during a blizzard? There is NO TRAFFIC. It’s great! So whenever the weather gets really bad, make sure you grab your keys and head out the door. I find the best time to start driving during a snowstorm is when the news and government officials warn that it’s too dangerous to drive.
#47 – Never Look In Your Rear-View Or Side Mirrors
Hello… You’re driving FORWARD! No need to pay attention to anything else. Just look straight ahead. It goes without saying that the other benefit to this is being able to “not see” the police car behind you. “What? I didn’t know you were behind me. I was driving FORWARD!
#46 – Put Really Huge Subwoofers In Your Car
First of all, you rock, dude. Everyone loves you, we all want to stare at you, and we all love your music so much. Especially the bass. Not only do huge bass speakers make you look and sound like the coolest person in town, but it adds a degree of safety. Not only do you ride in style, but you increase your visibility. Coolness and saftiness at the same time? Ohhhh yeah.
#45 – Motorcyclists Should Always Ride In The Middle Of The Lane
So many motorcycle riders seem to ride on the right side or left side of the lane. This can slightly annoy uneducated people driving cars who would prefer you to drive in the middle of the lane. Yeah, that’s where all the oil and gas and other slippery fluids from leaking cars end up, but stop being so inconsiderate, ok?
#44 – During The Winter Keep Cat Litter With You
Yeah seriously this is a good tip. It’ll help you get unstuck if you’re snowed in or in an icy parking lot. Hey, this is a big list. Sometimes I’ll actually throw in a few good ones!
#43 – Put A Super Loud Exhaust On Your Car
With this nifty trick, you can look cool and stay safe at the same time! If you have a small 4 cylinder car, you can immediately make it a muscle car by putting a huge and unnecessarily large exhaust tip on your regular muffler pipe. Cool enough to impress the ladies and loud enough to make sure everyone hears you.
#42 – When Towing A Trailer, Never Worry About The Wind
Most people who tow trailers, in particular, 5th wheel RV’s and travel trailers, don’t bother checking what the wind will be doing. Why bother? You’ve got camping to do! Besides, when it’s windy and your trailer is blowing all over the place, it prevents other inconsiderate motorists from passing you. Nobody wants to pass a trailer that is swaying all over the place. Eyes forward and enjoy the ride!
#41 – When You See An Emergency Vehicle, Pull To The Left
Never pull to the right when an emergency vehicle is approaching. That’s what everyone else is doing. Be a leader and take the left shoulder. Once the emergency vehicle has passed, all the other suckers will be trying to merge into the right lane while you get the left lane to yourself. Suckers.
#40 – Win The 4 Way Intersection Game
When you’re at a 4 way stop, do you know what to do? When playing this game, the key is to never be the first one to go. No matter how long it takes, make the other person go first, even if those behind you are honking and getting upset. Just sit there and stare at each other. First one to move loses. You don’t want to be a loser, do you?
#39 – Never Coast
Your car has an accelerator and a brake pedal, use them! So many people decide to gently accelerate, coast, and softly slow down before intersections. Nobody’s got time fo dat!! Go, or stop. Quit being so indecisive. An indecisive driver is a dangerous driver.
#38 – You Do Not Get Points For Running People Over
No seriously you guys, that’s nothing to joke about. If you want to get points for running people over, go and play any Grand Theft Auto game ever made. It’s 95% of the fun, with 0% of the nasty legal consequences.
#37 – When You See A Drivers Ed Car, Make It Count
We all see them and we’ve all been in one – the drivers ed car with that hugely embarrassing sign on the top. Those are the future drivers of America and with our help, they could be the best in the world. Cut them off, tailgate, or if you’re feeling really generous, perform the PIT maneuver. Once we’re through with them, they can handle anything. Stupid rookies.
#36 – When Running From The Cops, Do The Speed Limit
It seems like half the time some idiot decides to run from the cops, they kill someone. The chances of actually getting away are pretty slim, so either pull it over or if you want to make the evening news, let em’ chase you at 35mph for a few hours and get your temporary fame. Unless you are wanted for something really bad like murder. In that case, you better run fool!!
#35 – Stop Wearing Your Seat Belt
Seat belts are like sooo 90’s. If you actually wear your seat belt, you might look like someone who has a decent life and wants to live. That’s just not cool. Keeping your seat belt off makes a statement. A bold statement that says “I hate myself and don’t care if I cause suffering to those around me!” Now that, my friends, is the definition of cool.
#34 – Always Ask Your Drunk Friends If They Are Ok To Drive
This one is important. After your friend has been at the bar 6 hours, consumed 23 beers, took 12 shots, and fell into the urinal, be sure to ask them if they are ok to drive before you let them drive home. If they say yes, even if it is slurred, they are probably fine. If they say no, they will be the first drunk person in the history of being asked that question to saying no. Congratulations on having such an honest drunk friend! Oh, and take their keys away.
#33 – Always Trust People’s Turn Signals
Contrary to popular belief, most people in this country are against being liars. People really do like telling the truth. So if someone uses their turn signal, you can always 100% of the time trust they will do what you think they are going to do. So, just pull out in front of them or make assumptions about their behavior. It never ends in disaster.
#32 – When A Passenger With Your Husband, Tell Him You Should Stop And Ask For Directions
Listen up ladies, cuz this driving tip was created just for you. Husbands absolutely love it when their wives question their sense of direction and/or driving abilities, so make sure to do it frequently. They will probably act upset, but they are just trying to further impress you with their mochoness.
#31 – When Driving In Snow, Make Sudden Movements
Everyone knows that driving in snow means things get slippery. That means, every second counts. When you need to make a driving correction, there is no time to waste! Fast, quick, and jerky movements are crucial to safely driving in the snow.
#30 – Always Pass A Stopped School Bus Safely
When a school bus is stopped and has activated the red flashing lights, that means little miniature sized people known as “children” are slowing you down. These little runts seem to dash out in all directions, so never pass a stopped school bus at more than 85mph. Parents seem to get upset.
#29 – Put Trains In Their Place
Who do these train engineers think they are? They come through town at all hours of the day and night closing down our streets at random times. Make them wait! When sitting in traffic, never leave enough room for the train to go by. Get right on the tracks and make them stop. That’ll teach them!
#28 – When Merging, Don’t Pay Attention Until The Last Second
Merging onto the expressway or highway can be a tense experience. That’s why it’s best to never pay attention to the traffic you’re merging into until the very last second. Why be stressed any longer than you need to be. Whether there’s a semi right next to you or a line of cars traveling 30mph faster than you are, whatever… they’ll figure it out.
#27 – Lane Merges = Street Race!
Whenever you see a lane merging a short distance ahead of an intersection, get ready for a street race. This is especially the case if you are first in line and in the merging lane. Your reputation is on the line. Do you have what it takes to dart out ahead of the pack? Time to see what your Honda Civic is made of.
#26 – Make Your Windows So Darkly Tinted You Can’t See Out Of Them
Know what makes you look cool? Window tint. Oh yeah, you look so freakin’ cool. And I’m not talking about the practical “I want to keep the sun out of my kids face” type of window tint. I’m talking about that dark stuff nobody has a chance of seeing through. So mysterious. In fact, get it on your windshield too. That’ll make you really stand out, plus it will keep the sun out of YOUR face.
#25 – Drive With Only Your Parking Lights On
Some may not even be able to comprehend this, but did you know, you can actually drive with just your parking lights on? Imagine how cool you’d look if you did that. Since driving does so much for our image, it’s always good to have the edge. Driving with just your parking lights on is the edge you need. How does this improve safety? It just does.
#24 – When Going Through A Red Light, Go Really, Really Fast
As you may have heard, lots of towns are installing cameras on their traffic lights called red light cameras. They are used to improve revenue… errr… I mean… safety. So when you decide to blow through a red light, make sure you put the pedal down and get through the intersection as fast as possible so the camera can’t take your picture. According to Myth Busters, you only need to go about 350mph for the camera to miss your vehicle. Good luck.
#23 – Never Use Cruise Control On The Expressway
When everyone uses cruise control on the expressway, things become very orderly, everyone gets great gas mileage, and few accidents occur. Booooring. You need to spice things up a bit! Turn that cruise control off and naturally fluctuate your speed. This causes others who are using cruise control to frequently make lane changes and pass you over and over and over again.
#22 – Always Hog The Left Lane
Since more cars typically travel in the right lane, if you are going slower than the flow of traffic, you should start driving in the left lane. It just helps to stay out of everyone’s way, ya know? Some people will get upset with you, but whatever. They’re just haters.
#21 – Only Eat And Drive If The Food Is Worth It
Eating while driving is known to be as dangerous, if not more dangerous, than texting while driving. So, if you must eat and drive, make sure it’s something really awesomely good like a McRib or something.
#20 – Never Use Your Turn Signal
I’m a guy who doesn’t like commitments. Maybe you’re the same? As soon as you turn on that signal, you’re committed. You don’t want to be a liar, do you? So, why not just do whatcha gotta do without using the stupid turn signals? That way, you can pretty much turn any direction you want at any given moment. What could be safer than that?
#19 – Get Through School Zones As Fast As Possible
It’s a fact that cops are more strict and write more tickets in school zones than any other speed trap. To combat this, there is only one answer. You must get through the school zone as fast as possible. The longer you are there, the more time you will spend in the school zone, and the more likely a cop will show up. Floor it!
#18 – For Time Travel, You Need 1.21 Gigawatts
One of the most frequently asked questions on this website is how many gigawatts their flux capacitor needs in order to travel through time. After much research, we have discovered that you need precisely 1.21 gigawatts. It also helps if you are driving a Delorean.
#17 – Don’t Have Your Car Checked Before A Road Trip
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Sure, you could be spending spring break in Daytona Beach, but who could turn down an afternoon of free coffee at Bob’s Auto Repair? If you want a true adventure before you road trip, just jump in and get going. C’mon! Live a little!
#16 – Foggy? “Punch Through”
If you are driving and hit a patch of dense fog, you should use the “punch through” method. Just hit the gas, hold one, and you’ll get through it before you know it. If you want to close your eyes, that’s probably fine. Not like you can see anything anyway.
#15 – At The Scene Of An Accident, Start Putting Flares On The Ground Everywhere
During a car accident, it is common for flammable fluids to leak around on the ground. This is a perfect time to get out your road flares and start putting them all over the ground! The more flares you have laying around, the higher chance some spilled gas will come into contact with it. Just imagine how effect a car on fire will be to warning other motorists of the hazard!
#14 – Only Text And Drive If You’re Really Good At It
We’ve pretty much proven that texting while driving is dangerous. But still, some people claim they are really good at it. So yeah, don’t text and drive. Unless you’re really good at it.
#13 – When You See An Accident On The Other Side Of The Freeway, Gawk
You waited your turn, so now you get to look at it too! Take your time! Besides, don’t they teach in drivers ed that you should always slow down at the site of an accident or emergency vehicles. You’re actually doing everyone a favor by slowing down and taking a look. Thanks.
#12 – Only Tailgate Old People
Tailgating is highly effective at getting people in front of you to speed up. The problem is, a bunch of whiners think it’s “rude” and some of those whiners are packing heat or can kick some serious butt. So, like all good bullies do, it’s important to only tailgate those you you know are weaker than you and can’t defend themselves. Old people are perfect for this.
#11 – When You’re Lost, Try Turning Down Your Radio
While not fully understood, there is a direct correlation between the volume of your radio and being able to figure out where you’re going. The more you turn the radio down, the more likely you will be able to figure out which way to go. Turning the radio off seems to have an even larger effect.
#10 – While Being Tailgated, Conveniently Clean Your Windshield
Sometimes you’ve gotta spray the windshield and clean it off a bit. One of the perfect times to do this is while you’re being tailgated. Not only do you get a squeaky clean windshield, you will also conveniently increases the moisture content of the windshield for the vehicle behind you, thus increasing your on-going teamwork. It’s also environmentally friendly.
#9 – Never Get In The Way Of A Car That Needs Extensive Body Work
A vehicle with lots of dings and dents is a good indicator you should not mess with that person. Not only does it show they are probably a terrible driver, but they probably don’t have insurance, either. You ever been in an accident with someone who doesn’t have insurance? Not fun.
#8 – Activate Your Anti-Lock Braking System As Often As Possible
This, of course, can be done through sudden and hard braking, especially on slippery surfaces. The ABS system has been specifically designed to give your right food one heck of a foot massage. The faster you are going when you slam on the brakes, the longer your free massage will last.
#7 – Understand Construction Signs
When you see a sign that says “Road Work Ahead”, it means you have already passed the last exit before the construction zone, but the sign is placed right before traffic begins. In order to avoid construction related traffic, you need to be a psychic.
#6 – During Winter Conditions, Leave As Much Snow On Your Car As Possible
Leaving snow on the top of your car will create a near whiteout condition behind you. This helps keep other motorists at a safe distance and keeps the road clear ahead of you. It also saves you the unnecessary headache of cleaning the snow off your vehicle. The faster you drive, the better this works.
#5 – Having A 4WD Vehicles Means You Can Do Whatever You Want
Rain, sleet, snow, ice, fog, volcanic ash… it doesn’t matter. If you’ve got a 4×4, you are king of the road and can do whatever you want. The main thing to remember when driving a 4×4 is that you are invincible and nothing bad can ever happen to you.
#4 – If You See Someone Who Was Involved In An Accident, Yell, Scream, And Shout At Them!
Thats right, you should also probably flick them off as well. They may not realize they are upside down, spun the wrong way, or on fire. It is your duty as a concerned citizen to try and make sure they know. If you do those things, you are a true hero. A true hero indeed.
#3 – Share The Road With Byciclists
Many bicyclists like to act like they own the road, so make them share it! Driving as close and as fast to bicyclists usually helps to squeeze them closer to the edge of the road. This keeps everyone safer and all bicycle riders appreciate the reminder.
#2 – Shave Or Apply Makeup In Your Car
When you’re running late for work and get into a hurry, you become a dangerous driver. The stats prove that a driver who is in a hurry is much more likely to be involved in a car accident. That’s why you should always perform mundane tasks in the car, like shaving or applying makeup. You can leave the house later without feeling rush, thus making you a safer driver.
#1 – Don’t Drive
Driving is the most dangerous activity you perform every day and is the #1 cause of accidental death for nearly every age group. If you want to be really, really safe, don’t drive!